Inspired Heart Coaching

Taking Things Personally? Here's How to Stop... :-)

Okay, I admit it.  I still have times when I struggle to NOT take things personally.

Which means, of course, that, yes, even though I know better, I still have those moments when I DO take things personally.

Ugh.

There’s a wonderful quote from Dr. Patricia Allen, that brings me some reprieve…

“We are all broken in one way or another, and we must learn to accept the broken aspect in order to love.”

Not just in order to love another, but in order to love ourselves too.

I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling frustrated or angry, I tend to start judging myself I start thinking, "I shouldn't feel this way."

But the more I judge myself for what I’m feeling, the more contracted I feel, and the more I shut down.

What we resist persists.

The more I try to force myself into feeling better, the more I try to jump to the nearest distraction to avoid the feeling altogether or I just beat myself up for feeling this way to begin with.

The biggest challenge is letting go of the judgment about what I’m feeling, so…

I decided to try a new tactic.

What if... when I felt contracted, I simply took it as a sign from the Universe that it's a time to take care of myself, to not make any big decisions, and to just allow myself to 'be'?

What if... I accepted what I’m feeling and didn't judge it to be good or bad, right or wrong, but just what 'is' for the moment?

What if… I just gave myself permission to feel what I’m feeling and to just let it be okay?

I discovered something…the emotional relief is immediate.

When I judge and resist what I’m feeling, I never really get the chance to move beyond the feelings, by allowing them to move through me.

I might be able to force them into hiding for awhile, but eventually they start popping up in one form or another...

I get sick, want to eat everything in sight, react to my daughter’s moods, (she’s 15, it’s her job to be moody) go through the day with no energy, and wade through sleepless nights…

So how does all this relate to learning how to NOT take things personally?

Something interesting happened when I learned how to stop judging myself and my feelings…

I learned how to stop judging other people’s feelings and to stop taking them personally… especially my partner’s.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have to remind myself DAILY.

But it gets easier all the time.

And it’s easier to communicate from a place of understanding, rather than my old patterns of shutting down or having a huge emotional reaction.

I’ll leave you with one final quote from two of my favorite teachers, Janet & Chris Attwood…

“When I can be okay with the contraction in myself, I can accept the contraction in people around me.  When I'm okay with both, then my life is simply a life lived in love."

Here's to a life lived in love for you and all those you hold dear.

Give yourself the love and acceptance you so deserve :-)

Until next time,

With all my love,

Dawn

Are You A People Pleaser too?

I have a confession.

 

I am, by nature, a people

pleaser.

 

It’s one of the reasons I love

what I do so much.  I get to

help make people happy.

 

Wanting to make my

clients happy is a valuable

personality trait when it comes

to business.

 

Not so much when it comes to

personal relationships.

 

I learned that lesson today

along with a huge revelation.

 

Wanting to make

everyone happy in personal

relationships very often comes

with the high price of self-sacrifice.

 

Self-sacrifice is NOT a valuable

personality trait in relationships.

 

In fact, it can result in the

build-up of resentment,

anger, guilt and the deterioration

of love both for ourselves and others.

 

So, how did I so brilliantly learn this

lesson and have this huge revelation?

 

I didn’t.  My wonderful and very wise

boyfriend pointed it out to me.

 

I was struggling on how to handle

a situation with my daughter’s father.

 

He had sent me a snotty

email trying to make me feel

guilty for not forcing my daughter

to contact him.

 

Since this was coming from a man

who chose not to participate in my

daughter’s life in any way for over

fourteen years and she’s only fifteen,

his attitude really upset me.

 

Up until this time, I have tried to

be incredibly kind and understanding

to him, even though he shirked

all responsibility to my daughter

for years.

 

I responded to his email with a few

very pointed comments of how I felt

about his expectations

and his total lack of caring and

responsibility towards my daughter.

 

But then I started to feel guilty.

 

My people-pleasing instincts kicked

in and I felt like I should try to do

something to make him

feel better.

 

Maybe I was a bit too harsh.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been quite

so blunt and honest in my email.

 

Maybe I should have been even more

understanding… again.

 

I called my boyfriend, who was a

single parent for many years, and asked

for a second opinion.

 

He very patiently pointed out to me

that it wasn’t my job to make EVERYONE

happy, least of all someone who had

created his own predicament by his

own actions… or rather lack of actions.

 

Wow.  Really?

What a revelation.

 

He further supported me in having

expressed my long-hidden feelings by

telling the truth in my email to my daughter's

father.  In my boyfriend’s words, the ball

was in his court.

 

And now I needed to let it go.

 

Just let go and NOT try and try

and try to make everyone happy?

 

Wow.  Really?

What a revelation.

 

But you know what?

He’s right.

It’s not my job.

 

It IS my job to make sure my

clients are happy.  And I will bend

over backwards to make sure they

are.  I love my clients and I love what

I do.

 

But trying to always

make everyone happy in our personal

life will generally constitute some form

of self-sacrifice, and it is impossible

to make anyone else happy if we

ourselves aren’t happy.

 

Sacrificing ourselves, our feelings,

our self-respect, our honesty, is a

sure-fire route to unhappiness.

 

Funny, I tell my clients that all the time.

 

I guess it was time I took my own advice and

learned that lesson first-hand.

 

My advice?  Make yourself happy

first, then worry about everyone else.

 

There are times when it is simply

NOT your job to make others happy,

no matter how guilty they may try to

make you feel.

 

Put the ball back in their court.

 

And then let go.  We all create

our own realities and sometimes we

just need to let other people live out their

own.

 

Then you can focus on creating yours

just the way you want it, without

sacrificing anything :-)

 

Until next time,

 

With all my love,

Dawn

 

 

Dawn Allen, M.S.

Love & Law of Attraction Coach

Certified Dream Coach

Certified Passion Test Facilitator

dawn@inspiredheartcoaching.com

541.608.0508

http://www.InspiredHeartCoaching.com

 

 

 

 

Past Relationships- How to release them so you can step into the future

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like no matter what you did or what you said, you were still attached to the person you were trying to leave behind?

Been there.  The last time, after I had exhausted all my resources for doing everything I knew to let go of the past, a very powerful visualization came to me one morning while I was meditating.

While I was going through this process, I wanted to feel like I was letting go of the past in a peaceful and harmonious way.

I wanted to feel like I was moving towards something I wanted rather than away from something I didn't want.

I've had a quite a few clients recently who were in the same place... needing and wanting to move on from the past, but not knowing how.   

This visualization worked so well for me, I now take all my clients through it as well, and I wanted to share it with you...

Feel free to pass it on if you know anyone who might be needing to leave the past behind, because until we fully complete and release our past relationships, we will continue to carry our emotional baggage into the future.

Take your time with this meditation and do it as often as necessary until you feel a sense of completion.

Find a comfortable place to sit and relax.

Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths.

Allow your awareness to rest gently on your heart.

Visualize yourself standing someplace quiet and peaceful.

Now visualize the person you would like to release from the past standing across from you.

You are each holding one end of a cord that runs between you.

This cord represents your attachment to each other and the energetic connection of your relationship.

You can visualize this cord as a golden rope of light, or a piece of heavy white cord, whatever feels right

for you.

Take a few minutes to tell this person anything you need to say to feel complete with the relationship.

You are speaking to this person’s higher self, so whatever you say will be understood.

Visualize them being appreciative of your telling them how you feel and accepting of anything you have to say.

When you feel complete, lovingly tell this person good-bye and thank them for everything you learned

while you were with them.

Very gently set your end of the cord that you were holding down on the ground.  By setting down your end of the cord, you have released your attachment to this person and the relationship completely.

There is no longer any energetic connection between you. 

You can visualize them setting down their end of the cord, or perhaps they have chosen to hang on to their end of the cord, whatever they choose to do in your visualization is fine.

But since you have set down your end of the cord, you are now free of your connection to the past.

Once you have said good-bye and set down the cord, visualize yourself turning and walking towards a beautiful, white light.

Within this beautiful white light is everything you now want to manifest in your life… all your dreams, goals, and desires.

Now that you have released and let go of the past, you are free to walk into this light and know that

everything is there waiting for you.

Your only job now is to feel what it’s like to be surrounded by everything you desire; your dreams are there waiting for you, you just need to open your arms and let them into your life.

The only thing that was holding you back was your attachment to the past.

Now that you’ve let that go, you are free to receive all the good waiting for you now and in the future.

Spend some time thinking about everything that this beautiful white light holds for you.

Write it all down… your ideal relationship and partner, your ideal career and financial resources, your ideal home life, your physical health and well-being.

Tap into the experience of what it would feel like to be living in your ideal life.

Place your hand over your heart and anchor those feelings of joy, happiness, peace, love, success, prosperity... whatever feelings represent your ideal life for you. 

Anytime you start to feel worried, doubtful or insecure, go back to this meditation and visualize yourself again gently putting down the cord to the past and walking towards the light of everything you want in your life.

Every time you do this visualization, you will be freeing yourself more and more from the past, and strengthening your connection to the future, your desires and effortlessly attracting them into your life.

I'd love to hear from you, and as always, if I can support you in any way, please let me know.

Until next time...

With love light and blessings,

Dawn

 

Dawn Allen, M.S.

Love & Law of Attraction Coach

Certified Dream Coach

Certified Passion Test Facilitator

541.608.0508

http://www.InspiredHeartCoaching.com

dawn@inspiredheartcoaching.com

Relationship Fears- Now that my house has burned down...

 There’s wonderful Zen maxim that says, “Now that my house has burned down, I have a much better view of the sky.”

It made me laugh out loud the first time I read it.

Then I started to think about how well it described something that happened not long ago in my relationship with the man I’m involved with.

Our relationship was going along wonderfully.

Then something between us changed.

At the time, I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was.

But I started feeling insecure and fearful.

Looking back, I now see it was because I was becoming very attached to the outcome of our relationship and had some pretty clear expectations.

Even coaches make mistakes. :-)

And, of course, my greatest fear was realized shortly thereafter. 

The man I was involved with stopped calling.  Big surprise.

We attract what we think about and what we’re feeling, good or bad, right or wrong, that’s just the way it is.

Days ticked by and I had no idea what had happened other than it had felt awkward the last time we had seen each other.

I was confused.

Over the next couple of weeks, I did a lot of soul searching, letting go and finally came to a place of peace

about what felt like the end of our relationship.

I eventually sent him a very short email saying I hoped he was well and that perhaps the next time he was out he could drop off the dishes I had given him from the last time I made him dinner.

He emailed me back almost immediately saying not only did he want to deliver my dishes, but he really wanted to talk to me in person, if I was open to it.

I agreed, although I felt slightly nervous about seeing him again after basically no contact for 2 ½ weeks.

I decided to let go of any expectations and let him take the lead with everything.

He came over that same night and as soon I saw him, I completely relaxed, because he was clearly happy to see me.

He took me out for a drink, and we chatted about everything we’d been doing over the last couple of weeks.  Nothing serious.

After he brought me home, he asked if we could talk, because he really wanted to explain what had happened over the last couple of weeks.

For the next hour, he tried to put into words why he hadn’t called me.  He admitted he didn’t really understand why he hadn’t been in touch, because he really enjoyed being with me.

He said things just started to feel different.  He was right.

Our fears and expectations about the relationship were making us both feel uncomfortable and uneasy, we

just didn’t realize it at the time.

He said there was a part of him that felt like he needed to know all the answers about our future, and because he didn’t, he withdrew.

I told him not only did he not need to know all the answers, but that I was happy to just be with him now.

We both relaxed and by letting go of our expectations, we were able to communicate freely with each other.

He mentioned that before what we now refer to as The Break in our relationship, it felt like there was a

sense of urgency.  Very true.

All the unspoken expectations we had and projections about the future not only created a sense of urgency, but brought up all our fears and insecurities as well, mine especially.

But once ‘the house burned down,’ and all the fears were brought to light, we were able to release them so we could have a ‘better view of the sky’ and relax into just enjoying each other and our wonderful relationship now, instead of being so focused on what was or wasn’t going to happen in the future.

I have a new appreciation for him that wasn’t there before.

And even though, I’m more in love with him than I ever was, I’m no longer projecting into the future and trying to figure everything out.

And neither is he.

We are completely happy to be together and allow things to unfold, trusting that fate brought us back together for a reason.

He jokingly says I should advise all my clients to take a 2 ½ week break in their relationships so they can come back together with a renewed appreciation for each other. :-)

Hmmmm.  Maybe.

My wish for you is that your house won’t ever have to burn down in order for you to have a better view of the sky.

Release your fears.

Trust the Universe.

Enjoy the present.

And relax into well-being.

 

Until next time...

With love, light and blessings,

Dawn

Love- Are Your Perceptions Hiding A Gift of Love?

I recently learned a valuable lesson about how our perceptions can lead us to misinterpreting events and profoundly affect our relationships. 

     

Not long ago, a dear friend of mine was away on a trip visiting his parents.  His parents are elderly, so he spends most of his time taking care of them when he’s with them.  His siblings have the caretaking responsibility when he’s not there.  He and his mother love to go shopping when he visits.  On this last trip, he called me when they were shopping for clothes to find out what size I wore.  I was excited to see what he bought. 

After he got home, I didn’t hear from him right away, which initially I didn’t give much thought to.  He had been swamped with work right before he left, and since he’s self-employed, the work doesn’t get done unless he’s home to do it.

As a few days passed, I started to wonder why he hadn’t contacted me.  All kinds of thoughts ran through my head.  Was he upset with me for some reason?  Had I done something wrong?  Trying to figure out all the possible reasons of why he hadn’t yet called just made me feel worse.

I finally mentioned what was happening to my mother and told her how I was feeling.  My brilliant seventy-five year old mother, who is my greatest coach, told me to refocus my attention and energy back on my own life, and let go of wondering what was going on with him. 

My mom reassured me that he’d obviously been thinking about me or he wouldn’t have been buying me clothes while he was away.  She also reminded me how painful it is to visit parents you haven’t seen for months, and see their physical and mental health rapidly declining.  It takes time to regain your emotional equilibrium after such a stressful and challenging trip.

Listening to her talk, I suddenly viewed everything from a completely different perspective.  I felt a huge sense of compassion.  The trips to visit his parents had become increasingly difficult for my friend.  I had not even considered all these other aspects to the story, and the way we interpret events are indeed our stories.

The hurt and rejection I’d been feeling disappeared as I hung up the phone with my mother.  I wrote a short email to my friend letting him know I was thinking about him and hoped he was well.

He contacted me the following day.  He said he’d been working non-stop ever since he got home.  He was still overwhelmed with work, but asked if I’d like to come over that evening, so we could dance and go for a motorcycle ride together.  As soon as I got there, he handed me a present wrapped in green paper with a red bow.  It felt like Christmas.  Neatly folded inside were the clothes he had bought for me while he was away, and some others he had purchased after he came home. 

All the thoughts and feelings I’d had when he first returned from his trip seemed immaterial.  The pain and suffering I’d put myself through were a result of my initial perspective and how I had interpreted not hearing from him.

When I changed my perspective, and was able to see the situation from a different point of view, my interpretation of what happened changed too.  Instead of hurt and anger, my feelings shifted to love and compassion.  That shift opened the door to a positive response from my friend.

When we’re feeling stuck in our pain, it is invaluable to be able to step back from our perceived point of view and see events and circumstances through someone else’s eyes. A negative, painful interpretation can shift to a more loving and positive one simply by changing your perspective.

*****************************************

Your Assignment:  Take a look how you interpret events and circumstances that happen.  Explore these ideas in a journal, and you’ll gain clarity, objectivity, and perhaps a new perspective on the people and events in your life. 

Seeing events through another person’s eyes is not only a gift to them, but also a loving gift to yourself. You are giving yourself the power of choice to reinterpret painful events, and instead choose to create a life of love for yourself.

Fear- Is Your Faith In Your Fear or Your Future?

My daughter started cheerleading practice this week.  The team appointed her their flyer.  She'll be the one that climbs to the top of the formations as all the other girls support her.  She had to push through her initial fears to trust that the other girls would be there to support her standing on their shoulders, and then to catch her when she jumped off.

It reminded me of how many times my own fears have kept me stuck.  Fear kept me trapped in the past.  Fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment kept me repeating old patterns and behaviors in my relationships and in my life for years.

The fearful questions would run endlessly through my head.  What if I end this relationship and find out it was as good as it gets?  What if I'm not good enough?  What if I get hurt?  What if I try and then fail?  I had more faith in my negative beliefs and fear of repeating the past, than I did in new possibilities for my future. 

I had no clue that fears were actually running my life.  Anger, worry, resentment, and insecurity showed up on the outside, but underneath everything was fear.  My way of dealing with it was to try to control everything and everyone in my life.  It was exhausting.  And I failed miserably.

When I was finally so tired of my excuses and even more tired of trying to control everything, I let go.  I realized the only way out of my perpetual cycle of fear was to surrender control, and move forward in faith.  I had to trust in something beyond myself to give me the faith I couldn't muster on my own.

It takes courage to surrender; to trust and have faith; to step beyond what you've known and experienced in the past; to believe you can create something different for yourself.  Ultimately, the faith we learn to have is in ourselves, bolstered by the knowledge that we are not alone.  We do not have to face our fears by ourselves.  We can reach beyond to a higher power greater than what we have and tap into faith.

"Faith equals trust.  Faith offers us hope, and opportunity and promise.  If we choose to live in faith, we will be blessed with the support and the partnership of the universe."-Debbie Ford

Your Assignment:  Ask, where is your faith?  Is it in your fears, or in the belief that you can create your future?

If you had complete faith in yourself and in your future, what would you do differently?

If you knew you could not fail, what would you do?

You deserve to have the best life you can possibly imagine.  The only question is, do you have the faith to step out and create it? 

 

What Is Your Life Reflecting Back To You?

Click this audio button to hear this week's article.

A few years ago, I read a story about Deepak Chopra in Joe Vitale's book, The Key, that left a huge impact on me. In his seminars and books, Deepak talks about all of life being a mirror and constantly reflecting back our own beliefs. If there are elements in another person that really anger or upset you, most likely, those are the same elements you have in yourself that you don't like.

In this story, Deepak was talking about a woman who came up to him at one of his seminars and really pushed his buttons. He thought this woman was rude, impatient, and obnoxious. He had a whole list of things.

Later he thought, Wait a minute, I should take my own teachings to heart. So he wrote down all the elements that he saw in the other person he didnt like. Then he called his publicist and said, Im going to read a list of these traits to you, and I want you to tell me if I have these. He listed them all, like obnoxious, rude, and impatient. He went through the whole list, and he said the other side of the phone was dead quiet for a long time. He thought, "Oh, no," and he decided to check with his wife.

He then read the same list to her. The silence on the other side of the phone was even longer this time than it had been with his publicist. The point being those elements he didn't like in the other person were the ones that he didn't like in himself.

After reading this story, I made a list of all the things that were triggering reactions in me about my ex-husband. I discovered the judgments and beliefs I was carrying around towards him were mirroring the beliefs I actually had about myself.

I blamed him for being unsupportive and critical of me, for not believing in me, for not caring about my happiness or success. But the truth was, deep down not only was I was not supportive of him, I was not supportive of myself. I didnt believe in myself. I wasn't committed to my own happiness or success. I didnt believe I deserved anything better.

I was so busy trying to jump around and make everyone else happy I lost myself in the process. Underneath all the anger and blame I directed towards others, I was deeply critical and angry with myself for not taking a stand for my own happiness and fulfillment. My life mirrored my lack of belief in myself.

I attached my self-worth and self-esteem to things, people, and circumstances outside myself. Rather than trusting and believing in myself, I was always looking for answers in yet another book, another degree, the next new seminar, or in my relationship with another person.

It wasn't until I discovered what was underneath my reactions to other people, that I was able to take responsibility for all the parts of myself I had disowned. Doing so not only transformed me, but all my relationships as well.

In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford said When we are willing to open our hearts to all that exists, and start looking for the good rather than the bad in everything, we will see God. We will see love. Remembering we are the ones choosing what we see is essential. On some level, we ask for all the lessons we learn in this lifetime. Every incident, no matter how horrible, has a gift for you. And if you get your gift then I will get mine, for I am you and you are me in the world of the spirit.

Your Assignment: Look at an aspect of someone that triggers an emotional reaction in you. Is there any place where you might have that same quality?

Is there something that you dislike in other people that you might also dislike in yourself? If that part of you had a potential gift to share, what would it be? What could it be here to teach you?

Only by accepting ourselves without judgment and blame can we uncover all the gifts we have to share with the world. Love all aspects of yourself fully. Your life and everyone in it will reflect back that same love.

*******************************************************************

If you would like support in moving past the beliefs that are holding you back from living a life you love, send me an email.  When you don't have to do it all yourself, all things are possible for you.  We will work together to transform your pain into power; move beyond fear, resentment and other sabotaging emotions; rebuild your self-respect, self-confidence, and self-love to healing; and reinventing your life filled with love and inspiration.

Contact me today... I'd love to talk.