Inspired Heart Coaching

Love- What Does It Mean To You?

Not long ago, my boyfriend and I were

having a conversation about

our previous relationships.

 

Well, actually, to be more specific,

MY previous relationships since I have

... uh, a few in my past.  My boyfriend

was married for 19 years before his

divorce 9 years ago, so his list is a

tad bit shorter :-)

 

He asked what Love is to me now…

I couldn’t come up with an immediate

answer.  But after giving it some thought,

I came up with a few ideas.

 

So, in honor of Valentine’s Day,

here are some thoughts on Love,

and I'd love to hear yours as well.

 

Love means…

trust, acceptance, respect and appreciation,

those are the 4 biggies.

 

Love is…

the willingness to grow and be there for

someone, while also realizing that the goal

is not to ‘arrive’ somewhere in the future,

but to be fully present and appreciative

of where you are right now.

 

Love is…

an action and very often a choice.

And the goal is not to ‘fall in love,’ but to

‘grow in love,’ so you can become more of

who you are, not less.

 

Love…

should never make you feel like you are

‘less than’, but ‘more than’.  It should feel

expansive, not constrictive and restrictive.

 

Love is…

about looking for and seeing the best in

someone, even at times when they may

not be able to see it for themselves.

 

Love…

and fear can’t exist together, so I think love

is about letting go of fear and learning to trust.

 

And here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about

Love…

you can only give Love to someone else,

when you’ve learned how to give it to yourself.

 

When you’ve learned to really trust, respect and

be honest with yourself, only then can you offer

those same things to someone else.

 

Only then can you make really wise choices

about the people you choose to be with in

your life, because those choices are based

in trust, respect and honesty with yourself,

and not based in fear.

 

I don’t know that earlier in my life,

I was completely conscious of the choices I made

about partners BEFORE I made them and why.

 

In part because I hadn’t taken the time to really

know myself and figure out what I wanted and why. 

 

So that’s my definition for Love.

 

And the best part is I realize that every single

experience I’ve had has allowed me to finally

learn all these things about myself, who I am

and what Love is to me.

 

Now that I can look back on every experience

I’ve had with love and appreciation for what it

taught me, I can look at the present and the future

with only love in my heart.

 

And ya know, that just really feels good.

 

I’d love to know what Love is to you…

 

My Valentine’s wish for you is that

whatever you do and whoever you’re with,

you treat yourself like the best Valentine

in the world… because you are.

 

And that’s what Love is really all about...

loving and appreciating who you are,

just as you are,

so you can share your wonderful self

with someone else.

 

With love, light and blessings,

 

Dawn

 

Relationship Fears- Now that my house has burned down...

 There’s wonderful Zen maxim that says, “Now that my house has burned down, I have a much better view of the sky.”

It made me laugh out loud the first time I read it.

Then I started to think about how well it described something that happened not long ago in my relationship with the man I’m involved with.

Our relationship was going along wonderfully.

Then something between us changed.

At the time, I couldn’t really put my finger on what it was.

But I started feeling insecure and fearful.

Looking back, I now see it was because I was becoming very attached to the outcome of our relationship and had some pretty clear expectations.

Even coaches make mistakes. :-)

And, of course, my greatest fear was realized shortly thereafter. 

The man I was involved with stopped calling.  Big surprise.

We attract what we think about and what we’re feeling, good or bad, right or wrong, that’s just the way it is.

Days ticked by and I had no idea what had happened other than it had felt awkward the last time we had seen each other.

I was confused.

Over the next couple of weeks, I did a lot of soul searching, letting go and finally came to a place of peace

about what felt like the end of our relationship.

I eventually sent him a very short email saying I hoped he was well and that perhaps the next time he was out he could drop off the dishes I had given him from the last time I made him dinner.

He emailed me back almost immediately saying not only did he want to deliver my dishes, but he really wanted to talk to me in person, if I was open to it.

I agreed, although I felt slightly nervous about seeing him again after basically no contact for 2 ½ weeks.

I decided to let go of any expectations and let him take the lead with everything.

He came over that same night and as soon I saw him, I completely relaxed, because he was clearly happy to see me.

He took me out for a drink, and we chatted about everything we’d been doing over the last couple of weeks.  Nothing serious.

After he brought me home, he asked if we could talk, because he really wanted to explain what had happened over the last couple of weeks.

For the next hour, he tried to put into words why he hadn’t called me.  He admitted he didn’t really understand why he hadn’t been in touch, because he really enjoyed being with me.

He said things just started to feel different.  He was right.

Our fears and expectations about the relationship were making us both feel uncomfortable and uneasy, we

just didn’t realize it at the time.

He said there was a part of him that felt like he needed to know all the answers about our future, and because he didn’t, he withdrew.

I told him not only did he not need to know all the answers, but that I was happy to just be with him now.

We both relaxed and by letting go of our expectations, we were able to communicate freely with each other.

He mentioned that before what we now refer to as The Break in our relationship, it felt like there was a

sense of urgency.  Very true.

All the unspoken expectations we had and projections about the future not only created a sense of urgency, but brought up all our fears and insecurities as well, mine especially.

But once ‘the house burned down,’ and all the fears were brought to light, we were able to release them so we could have a ‘better view of the sky’ and relax into just enjoying each other and our wonderful relationship now, instead of being so focused on what was or wasn’t going to happen in the future.

I have a new appreciation for him that wasn’t there before.

And even though, I’m more in love with him than I ever was, I’m no longer projecting into the future and trying to figure everything out.

And neither is he.

We are completely happy to be together and allow things to unfold, trusting that fate brought us back together for a reason.

He jokingly says I should advise all my clients to take a 2 ½ week break in their relationships so they can come back together with a renewed appreciation for each other. :-)

Hmmmm.  Maybe.

My wish for you is that your house won’t ever have to burn down in order for you to have a better view of the sky.

Release your fears.

Trust the Universe.

Enjoy the present.

And relax into well-being.

 

Until next time...

With love, light and blessings,

Dawn

What Is Your Life Reflecting Back To You?

Click this audio button to hear this week's article.

A few years ago, I read a story about Deepak Chopra in Joe Vitale's book, The Key, that left a huge impact on me. In his seminars and books, Deepak talks about all of life being a mirror and constantly reflecting back our own beliefs. If there are elements in another person that really anger or upset you, most likely, those are the same elements you have in yourself that you don't like.

In this story, Deepak was talking about a woman who came up to him at one of his seminars and really pushed his buttons. He thought this woman was rude, impatient, and obnoxious. He had a whole list of things.

Later he thought, Wait a minute, I should take my own teachings to heart. So he wrote down all the elements that he saw in the other person he didnt like. Then he called his publicist and said, Im going to read a list of these traits to you, and I want you to tell me if I have these. He listed them all, like obnoxious, rude, and impatient. He went through the whole list, and he said the other side of the phone was dead quiet for a long time. He thought, "Oh, no," and he decided to check with his wife.

He then read the same list to her. The silence on the other side of the phone was even longer this time than it had been with his publicist. The point being those elements he didn't like in the other person were the ones that he didn't like in himself.

After reading this story, I made a list of all the things that were triggering reactions in me about my ex-husband. I discovered the judgments and beliefs I was carrying around towards him were mirroring the beliefs I actually had about myself.

I blamed him for being unsupportive and critical of me, for not believing in me, for not caring about my happiness or success. But the truth was, deep down not only was I was not supportive of him, I was not supportive of myself. I didnt believe in myself. I wasn't committed to my own happiness or success. I didnt believe I deserved anything better.

I was so busy trying to jump around and make everyone else happy I lost myself in the process. Underneath all the anger and blame I directed towards others, I was deeply critical and angry with myself for not taking a stand for my own happiness and fulfillment. My life mirrored my lack of belief in myself.

I attached my self-worth and self-esteem to things, people, and circumstances outside myself. Rather than trusting and believing in myself, I was always looking for answers in yet another book, another degree, the next new seminar, or in my relationship with another person.

It wasn't until I discovered what was underneath my reactions to other people, that I was able to take responsibility for all the parts of myself I had disowned. Doing so not only transformed me, but all my relationships as well.

In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford said When we are willing to open our hearts to all that exists, and start looking for the good rather than the bad in everything, we will see God. We will see love. Remembering we are the ones choosing what we see is essential. On some level, we ask for all the lessons we learn in this lifetime. Every incident, no matter how horrible, has a gift for you. And if you get your gift then I will get mine, for I am you and you are me in the world of the spirit.

Your Assignment: Look at an aspect of someone that triggers an emotional reaction in you. Is there any place where you might have that same quality?

Is there something that you dislike in other people that you might also dislike in yourself? If that part of you had a potential gift to share, what would it be? What could it be here to teach you?

Only by accepting ourselves without judgment and blame can we uncover all the gifts we have to share with the world. Love all aspects of yourself fully. Your life and everyone in it will reflect back that same love.

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If you would like support in moving past the beliefs that are holding you back from living a life you love, send me an email.  When you don't have to do it all yourself, all things are possible for you.  We will work together to transform your pain into power; move beyond fear, resentment and other sabotaging emotions; rebuild your self-respect, self-confidence, and self-love to healing; and reinventing your life filled with love and inspiration.

Contact me today... I'd love to talk.

What Do Men Really Want?

Click this audio button to hear this week's article.

 

I've asked my male clients this question.  I've gotten some great answers, which truthfully, surprised me at times.

From what I've learned listening to men, one of the biggest things men want is a woman who is confident and comfortable with herself.  When a woman is confident and comfortable in her own skin, she is able to give her attention to the man she is with, rather than worrying constantly about herself.

Men want to be with a woman who knows how to listen and be present with them, and isn't silently comparing them to an internal agenda she might have.  If a woman knows how to relax, be herself, and have a good time with a man, he will adore her for it.

Men really do want to make women happy.  If they think they're succeeding in that endeavor and being appreciated for their efforts, they'll try that much harder to make the woman happy and feel very drawn to be around her all the more.

Men want women who are interested in them and their lives.  If a woman talks incessantly about how miserable her ex was or about all the things that are going wrong in her life, a man is going to feel like no matter what he does, he's going to have a difficult time making her happy.

Men love feeling connected to a woman.  In today's world, we have so few times to actually make real connections with people, that when we do, it can be very powerful.  All making a real connection takes is for a woman to be able to listen, pay attention to the man she's with, and be interested.  If she can also enjoy herself in the process, be lighthearted and having a good time, men will think she's fabulous.

Of course, men like women who look nice, because men are very visual creatures.  But it's more about a woman looking like she's put a little bit of effort into looking nice for the man she's with, rather than any huge gestures.  Most men don't particularly need or want an extremely glamorous woman.  They just want someone who's attractive and knows how to take care of herself.

Men don't require a lot from women in order for them to be happy, because much of their masculine happiness comes from making the woman in their life happy.  If a man knows he's doing that, and that the woman appreciates it, that's what a man really wants.

The 3 Secrets to Magically Magnetize Men

Have you ever noticed how easy it is for some women to attract men into their lives, while others seem to sit around by themselves a lot?

For many years, I was one of those sitting around a lot. I just didn’t understand what some women seemed to know instinctively. Then gradually, with a lot of intention on creating something different in my love life, I learned some of those secrets that seemed to come so naturally to other women.

Here are three of the biggest secrets I learned on how to magically magnetize men…

Secret #1: Be deeply interested. I’ve had at least three clients tell me over the past few weeks that they didn’t know how to flirt, or start a conversation with a man. Here’s the great news, it’s as simple as asking a question.

For those of you who know me personally, it may come as a surprise that I grew up painfully shy. To the point where a good number of my classmates thought I was stuck-up, because I never said anything. It was actually just that I was terribly shy, and afraid of talking to people I didn’t know very well.

After years of struggling in relationships, I made the decision to do something about it, and read a book on overcoming shyness. Although reading the book helped me, what helped me even more was a conversation I had with my mother. One time, I was very stressed about going on a date with a new guy. I asked my mother for some advice. Now, you have to understand that my mother is the ultimate social queen. She loves to entertain and throw parties. She loves being around people. And men have always loved her. When she gave me advice about how to make conversation on a date, I listened.

I remember her saying very matter-of-factly, that making conversation was easy. All I had to do was ask questions. And it worked. It worked then, and it still works today. The best part was it took all the pressure off me to carry the conversation. Instead of trying to be clever or interesting, I just relaxed, and was interested in the man I was with. Not only did the man adore the fact that I showed such an interest in him, but it also gave me the opportunity to really discover if this was a man that I wanted to spend time with again, or not.

The next time you’re on a date, be interested and curious. Come from a place of wanting to understand and connect. You’ll have found the secret to having a man want to understand you, which leads me to the next secret.

Secret #2: Be a great listener. Nothing stands out in a man’s mind more than a woman who can listen. It instantly makes him want to learn more about you. True listening is becoming a lost art in our fast-paced society. When you take the time to really listen to a man, he will take notice and remember.

The other great thing about listening and being interested, is that it keeps you present, and that is my final secret.

Secret #3: Be present and in the moment. The quality of being present is irresistible to men, and truthfully, to anyone you’re having a conversation with. In our culture of constant multitasking, it’s very rare that anyone actually stops what they’re doing, gives you their undivided attention, and listens fully to what you’re saying. It is a gift.

I once dated a man who would say to me, each time I called, “Hold on. Before you begin, let me close my computer screen and turn on my answering machine. Talking to you is more important, and I want to give you my full attention.” Every time we spoke, I felt special. Even more importantly, I felt heard.

I learned a lot from my mother and from that man I dated. Being interested, listening, and staying present are three huge factors in any successful relationship, but especially in your relationship with a man.

If you give him these three gifts, they will return to you multiplied. You’ll have a man who is magnetically drawn to you… and can’t wait to see you again.

Until then, I wish you a wonderful week filled with love, light, and blessings of abundance,

  

Dawn Allen, CDC, CPTF
Love & Attraction Expert, Relationship Coach, and 
Founder of Inspired Heart Coaching
"Helping you create the relationship of your dreams... "